For those of you wondering where I’ve been well basically I feel like I’ve been curled up in a ball / the fetal position. I started a new medication and really believed that’s what was causing a flare up of my depression. The new medication that I’m taking is Linzess, FYI. I’ve been all over their website looking for side effects that would explain my mood swings / changes. NOTHING…
What have I discovered? Well for starters it’s not the new medicine. I truly believe it’s the fact that I have literally not had a day to myself in over two years! If Kricket spends the night or the weekend with grandparents I’m still with David. For those of you that don’t know I’m an only child. I thrive / rejuvenate when I’m by myself.
Since we had Kricket (the pandemic also started at the same time) we spend most of our time in the country at our lake house. David typically joins us on the weekends. So he has his time away from us and gets his “me” time.
Kricket is now two years old and during this time I’ve discovered that I have to get up early and shower/get ready or it doesn’t happen for the day. Now that we’ve entered the terrible two’s the screaming, the tantrums, the everything is so much worse and truly makes me feel like I can’t do anything right.
I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was a child and it truly just makes me want to shut down. The problem is when you have a child and it’s just you you don’t have the luxury of shutting down like before. I have medication that I take as needed when I’m having an anxiety attack but I’ve also noticed that alcohol makes my depression so much worse when I’m in one of these funks. It’s not fair to Kricket bug. So I’ve also quit drinking. I started noticing that around 4pm Kricket has these meltdowns so I would have a cocktail or a glass of wine to cope. I’ve stopped doing this and started taking my anxiety medicine and having a glass of either orange spice tea or green tea (both are hot teas). This helps me relax and just let her scream it out. I’ve talked to her pediatrician and his suggestions were to redirect her or ignore her.
I have a hard time with the redirecting because I don’t want her to think she’s being rewarded for bad behavior. Like here’s a toy come play with this. So I’ve chosen the ignoring route. It seems to be working. I go and take my medicine, make a cup of tea and typically go sit in another room. The screaming has started getting shorter and shorter. David and I have both noticed this.
I’m sure my family is going to read this and say why are you telling the world about your problems. The reason I’m telling you this is because you might be just like me and trying to deal with the tantrums and wanting to cry yourself and shut yourself in a room all alone. What I’ve found that works is to one talk to your doctor. You know when you don’t feel right or if you feel “off”. Two, ask for help. Tell your partner, parents who ever that you need a break or help. Three, exercise. I know some of you are going to say ya right but it really does help. I give myself an hour in the morning before Kricket wakes up to get a walk/run in. It’s my “ME” time. After my run I shower and wash my hair. Do I do my makeup? Most days no but I’ve come to be ok with that. As long as I’m dressed and have my hair done I feel pretty refreshed for the day.
Yes, I start my day at 5:30 am but that’s my choice so that I can get my “me” time in. I hit my boiling point a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to take a quick bath after a run and Kricket took her clothes off and got in the tub with me! It’s like kid I need some personal space!
I don’t know when people started referring to taking a shower for the day as self care or pampering but don’t let your toddler not let you bathe or feel bad for taking a shower!
David and I have also recently had a talk that I need a weekend a month to myself. He brought it up and he even wants to have Kricket for a weekend so that the two of them can have some father daughter time which I love!
I was recently talking to my mom and she was even asking if I was doing ok? She noticed that I wasn’t my usual self and seemed off. She said she didn’t know how I did it. When she had me her escape was going to work. I’d never thought about it that way but working moms get that little relief when they leave for their job.
I wanted a baby so badly and it took us years to get pregnant. I NEVER thought I’d feel this way. I never thought I’d complain about being a mom and I really hope this post doesn’t come across that way but ALL of us need a little “me” time every once in awhile. If you’re still reading this post I’m impressed with you! I would have given up several paragraphs ago, LOL!
If you’re going through the terrible two’s like we are and you feel like you’re at your breaking point and you don’t have anyone to talk to please feel free to reach out and message me. I’ll talk to you. I try to respond to my emails, dm’s and comments in the evening. I know or at least for me I don’t feel like I can talk to my husband about certain feelings. I don’t always feel like I can talk to my best friend (she doesn’t have kids) and sometimes I need to vent about my husband I’ve learned not to do this with your friends or parents because they don’t always let it go! So yes sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger.
Being a mom is hard. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life, but, I love my daughter more than anything in the world and we’re just going through a rough patch. I know that she’ll grow out of this and I’m going to miss her being this young. I just don’t feel that way at this exact moment 😉!